Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Grail, Snail--Everything's Holy to Somebody


I was once turned into a newt.

By a pretty, young witch, pointy hat, clad in black stockings. I thought all was well, but obviously, I thought wrong.

She told me that one day I'd get betta, cackled, whacked me with her broom for good measure.

I had to do something, so I decided to evolve. First, I became a snake, which was no good. Snakes can't write. And it got old talking women into eating apples all the time.

So I made a u turn back into a newt, then a lizard (a lounge lizard, to be precise!), then a rat, stuck in a race going nowhere. Sometimes, a piece of cheese, but more often than not I was pulling my tail from trap after trap.

Then I evolved into a monkey, a sort of baboon, really. I made a living for a time doing George W. Bush impersonations, complete with powder blue suit and a god-awful red tie, scratching my bum, smacking my lips. Lots of laughs, good times all around.

When the novelty wore off, I was chased out of the capital with only one banana to my name, smelling of rotten fruit, the Congressional bouquet, Eau de Toilet. That's when I knew it was time to evolve into the full-fledged bum poet you see before you today.

In the end, I can't blame the witch. I was kind of asking for trouble from the moment I slipped her my number to the moment she slipped me that potion. I thought it was champagne. It was our reception, after all...

And I never did get bettah.

Above: Does the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch need an introduction? I think not.

Middle: Promo for Monty Python's Spamalot, the musical. Good lord, nothing is sacred, is it?

Below: "It has teef like dis." Ah, yes. The great and terrible Beast of Bannockburn. Many a knight has met his demise at the paws of this unassuming fellow. "Run away!" Advice one would take care to note.

No, I haven't lost my mind--just thought it was the right time for something completely different. I'll have a good poem for you all come the morning.

41 comments:

gingatao said...

And now for something completely different... Cool. I needed a laugh and that was one. What's next, after you've finished being a bum poet?

eric1313 said...

I kind of like this form. Itinerant writer, freelance knight of the quill...

I'd be an astronaut, but gravity has a pretty good grip on me, it seems. And they don't like astronauts who wear glasses.

The only way I'll get into space is if they make a prison planet for madmen.

Ant said...

Delightful! My sister went to see spamalot a couple of days ago and said it was hilarious (even if having seen the Holy Grail...)

Ironical humour. You has it. :-)

Casdok said...

Different is cool!!!

eric1313 said...

Ant

I thank you, sir! It can be hard to write this way, as you know.

And I also heard Spamalot was hilarious. I think it was Crashy who told me that.


Casdok

Thank you! Glad to know a change of pace is welcome every now and again.

Take care.

KarmaLennon said...

You made me laugh my ass off with this one!!! Thank you!

Brian said...

Thank you for visiting and for your kind words for Blessing.

I had a chuckle with your post this morning, Monty Python appeals to my warped sense of humor.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Perfect for the primaries!

X. Dell said...

You see, that's the reason why I never date women who weigh the same as a duck.

Gledwood said...

That rabbit is so cute it just makes me wanna pickitup by the ears...

Newts?

Nasty buggers. They invoke "environmental protection orders" to stop property developers making staxx of money by inconveniently nesting on their soggy land!!

Gledwood said...

ps guess how I got here

not by clicking on your comments

but by seeking out some blogs in south africa bc I thought "hey I don't know ANYONE in Africa at all"

then I find one and go hop-hop-hoppety hop until I find YOU

small world you know that wil smith film 6 degrees of separation...??...

i beati said...

I loved Spamalot

Charles Gramlich said...

This is my wife's favorite movie. She loves the "Beast of Bannockburn." I find it a lot funnier when she does the voices for it, though. She's very good at it.

Thou shalt not count...

benjibopper said...

Greatly enjoyed this, big E. Funny and not pointless.

Ever hear 'came as a rat' by modest mouse?

Lisa said...

I want to watch Spamalot!! And of course you know I'm loving that bunny picture.

ivan said...

...Like a drink of champagne.

Maybe I'm partial to a particular (and highly publishable) style, but today's blog kind of rocks.

You are better off than some people.
You could be Newt Gingrich.

(You listenin', Tomcat, political-blogger, Bush-whacker?)

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I liked that. There are some really good posts up tonight.

Like a sort of allegory, full of hidden symbolism.
Cool.

SpongyBones said...

Dang glad to see that you weren't that man that rabbit ate in that last pic. Newt!

Trevor Record said...

A betta, like the fish? Or are you talking about the old video tape, betamax. Anyhow, I imagine one could do quite well as a chimp. You wouldn't even need to resort to lampooning the american president, although let's face it that's about as easy a way to get laughs as there is.

PS: Yeah, I wanted to see Spamalot when I was in Toronto last year, but I was too poor!

Lana Gramlich said...

Love the Holy Hand Grenade! I have a t-shirt about it. I almost wore it to an airport, until I realized that probably wasn't a good idea. Did you know they sell killer rabbit slippers these days?

Pythia3 said...

By all means young man,
"Loose your mind!"
Go, "Out of your mind!"
Let it go let it go let it be.
"Take a vaca from the brain."
I'm 'there,' I just haven't had the guts to write about it.
Good for you, you brave, mad, poet!
Peace, Eric1313, and thank you for stopping by my lonely, neglected blog.
Poor thing, I need to feed it soon!

eric1313 said...

Karma Lennon

Awesome! Comedy is tough to do. Thanks for the word, friend.


Brian

No problem with the kind words. I love cats, too, so I know how it feels. Like a member of the family.

Glad to know I helped you laugh, though. It's good to ease the burdens of others.

eric1313 said...

Enemy

I thought so!

The thing is, how could the next president be worse?

Ahhh... never mind that. It probably could be a whole lot worse.


X Dell

Yes, abstinence. Very tough top walk that line. When enchantment hits, it's like a half ton cauldron falling from the sky.

eric1313 said...

Gledwood

That rabbit has some fight, so don't let it hear you say that...

As for newts, those squirty little slimy guys can cause a bit of trouble, can't they?

And the world gets smaller every day. Neko is an awesome girl. I dig her a lot. Very dark, but hey, she reminds me of myself at her stage in life. Except for the successful part. I'm still trying to get the hang of that....

eric1313 said...

Sandy

You too? I'll have to see that. Seems that everyone has!


Charles

"1.. 2.. 5--no! I meant--
::Explosive hilarity::

I love when the accents start getting tossed around.

I do a pretty mean "We are the knights who say nicht!"

eric1313 said...

Benjibopper

Thanks! It started as something silly, but I kept with it until it became a little more than that. You probably saw it at Ivan's blog. It was a comment at first.

I haven't heard that song, but I'll have to give it a listen sometime soon.

Peace out!


Lisa

I didn't think about it at the time, but of course that bunny picture is perfect for you.

As for Spamalot, yes, see it if you get a chance! Or watch Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. You will dig it.

eric1313 said...

Ivan

One champaign coming right up.

Yeah, this one is rough and I have undoubtedly baffled some with it, but it was fun to write.

And yes, much better to be a slimy amphibian than a slimy bottom feeding jackhole republican like Newt Gingrich.

Hands down!

eric1313 said...

Crushed

It started as something not so serious, but yes, I was glad to see that it had value beyond my original expectations, and I worked that a little bit. But not too much. One can get ham handed pretty easily if they are too conscious of metaphor and allegory.

Thanks for the insightful encouragement, mate.

eric1313 said...

Spongy

Yeah, the Beast of Bannockburn is one tough customer. I would not trifle with him at all.

Newt?!? I got betta, though!


Trevor

It was easy pickings, wasn't it? But when the shoe fits, even on a well trained chimp, one should wear it. Just ask the man in charge--Chaney will tell you it's the right size for the little guy.

"Betta" was just my version of a bad British accent for the word "better". Just a scammed up line from the show.

And I had the same problem when Mel Brooks' "The Producers" was playing. All desire, no cash flow.

eric1313 said...

Lana

Welcome! The Holy Hand Grenade is probably my all time favorite skit by them. Whenever I see one of those things (I guess it's a relic container with ashes of a Saint inside), I can't help but crack up, waiting for the miscount.

As for the killer Rabbit clippers, I'll have to look out for them! They sound awesome!

Lisa would love those!

eric1313 said...

Pythia

Don't mind if I do! ;)

It's nice to do something different, frees me up from expectations, you know? I know that it's been said before, but sanity IS over-rated--especially in regards to poets.

Let your freak flag fly, too! Anytime, I'll be glad to support it.

And by all means--feed that blog, girl! Take care.

singleton said...

"I thought it was champaign"

Ahhh, been there!
Peace, my friend, and cheers! clinks!

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Ooh!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

captain corky said...

I spent four or five years as a lounge lizard in DC. True. Most interesting people I ever met. My liver had a great time too.

Princess Pointful said...

I liked this... very fun, the steps from newt to the Eric we now know.

Watch out for those witches, mister, no matter how cute they fill out their pointy hat.

However, keep in mind there is no such thing as evolution.
The wondrous Mike Huckabee told us so.

(Please tell me the sarcasm is visible for miles on that one)

I hope I'm still number 1... just so damn busy. Blogging can be a full time job if you want it to be, it seems, especially since my blogroll has increased exponentially over the past few months! My google reader is hovering in the 150s, and every dent I make is quickly replaced. Gah!!

You'll be happy to know that I never let myself get too behind on you, though ;)

Bemused said...

And I thought I stumbled on another blog by accident :P

Nice to break things up a little :).

lance said...

Love the monorail cat.
Hilarious!
Lance

eric1313 said...

Sing

Haven't we all? Glad it wasn't a real reception!

That would really suck!


Toast

"Time may change me..."

eric1313 said...

Corky

I love the people you meet as a bar fly. They just make everything make sense. I got my ass back in school from all their "coulda shoulda" stories, especially the old ones.

eric1313 said...

Princess

I am happy to know that. You really make me smile, you know?

Please, by all means, though. If you are busy, you can always catch back up with me latter,
-----
Damn that Huckabee! Just when I thought we were monkey spawn, he changes the rules on me!

eric1313 said...

BeMused

It is good to take a break from reality!

Did me some good!


Lance

Monorail Cat is a special one, indeed. I love the look on its face.